Dear Abby: After 15 years of marriage – some happy and some terrifying – I am divorcing my husband.
We have two beautiful, wonderful children together. I would love to have the same surname as him, but I can’t imagine keeping my husband’s last name. His family was terrible to me during our entire marriage.
What should I do? Should I keep his last name so that I can have the same ones as my children, or should I change it back to my maternal one?
moving to texas
Moving on dear: It’s not the ’50s. There is no shame in having a different name than your children. Many women with children change their names after divorce.
Because your married name has painful connotations, feel free to use your maiden name on the resume, or adopt another name you like. (Some women choose the name of their preferred city for adoption.)
Dear Abby: I am a 42 year old single mom who recently started a relationship with a wonderful man.
I have two children from an ex from my marriage who was not very kind. We did our best for 16 years (we were little when we met) and eventually we had to go our separate ways.
The man I am dating is sensitive and kind. He is great for my kids. He’s the first person I’ve dated whom I’m allowed to meet him.
His first wife died 14 years ago, three months after their marriage. She was expecting her first child, and it was a tragedy for everyone involved.
When he talks about her, I listen. After he left, he moved on. He remarried and had another child, but things didn’t work out. He claims that he never loved his second wife. He got her pregnant early on, and married her because it was the “right thing to do”.
He still carries a torch for his first wife, whom he calls the love of his life. He keeps a picture of her hanging from his rearview mirror and plans to be buried next to her when he passes by.
While I understand that love doesn’t die when people pass away, I can’t help but feel crushed when he says, “If she were still alive, we wouldn’t even be talking right now.” He makes her memory sit on a pedestal.
How do I deal with this? I’m not sure I can live in this kind of relationship.
New Jersey hates its history
Dear Hate: His first wife may actually be the “love of his life”, but she is went away,
If you want to have a future with someone who will never grieve, you have to be acutely aware that you can’t compete with an “angel.” (No one can.) When this paradigm of insensitivity tells you that if she was alive she wouldn’t even be talking to you, you have a right to respond by saying, “But she isn’t, and here we are. !”
Your question about continuing the relationship is a good one. Unless you have a steel spine and can develop a thick skin, don’t do this.
P.S. In some states, it is illegal to have objects hanging from one’s rearview mirror because they obstruct the driver’s vision. I believe your state is one of them.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail van Buren, also known as Jean Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.